Characters

LIAM: A manic man in his thirties. He dresses in jeans with a red shirt, hat and shoes.

CHRIS: A teen. He is hyper, but not as extreme as Liam.

ELDERLY WOMAN

BUSINESSMAN

SECURITY OFFICER

SHOPPERS: Cross the stage randomly, look at storefronts, speak among themselves.

Setting

A busy urban mall. Store signs promoting after-Christmas sales compete with signs prompting Y2K readiness.

Time

The afternoon of New Year's Eve, 1999.

.

LIAM and CHRIS stroll onstage as the lights rise. SHOPPERS mill about in the background.

LIAM (Gleefully):

Ah, Chaos. Her twin Anarchy. And their incestuous children Ego, Panic and Depravity.

CHRIS:

Sounds like a rock group. Or a law firm.

LIAM:

The energy, Cain. Feel the energy. The fear inching toward terror. The chained animal lurking, waiting to claw and shred and devour.

CHRIS (Irritated, has stopped listening):

My name is Chris. Or Christian, if you must. Not Cain.

LIAM:

What's in a name? A malcontent is a malcontent is a mal ... (Distracted by SHOPPERS.) Bravo! Yes! You—hoard all those batteries. You need them more than your neighbor does. And you—fight for those last cans of Spam. The devil take the kids down the street. You have to survive—even if you are a worthless waste of resources who contributes nothing to the world. You have to survive!

CHRIS (Glancing about nervously):

Come on, Liam. Let's go.

LIAM:

Now? As the gentile masses lurch towards mob rule? Peace banished and the world rife with strife! No one escapes the Sword of Anarchy.

CHRIS:

Let's go to the record store. Bet they're too busy to notice a little ten-finger discount. ...

LIAM:

You disappoint me, Cain. Wasting your talents on petty theft when the stage will soon be set for large-scale looting and vandalism.

CHRIS:

Yeah, well, I'd just as soon be home when the shit hits the fan. I mean if things are going to be as bad as you say they are ...

LIAM:

Bad? Bad? The End Of The World As We Know It and all you can manage is 'bad' ? Your soul cries out in the midst of its angst-ridden pain and declares the coming destruction 'bad'? From the depths of your feeble existence ...

CHRIS:

Come on, Liam. You know I don't know all those big words.

LIAM:

Of course. Mea culpa. I forget you are a shining example of the public school system.

CHRIS:

Screw you.

LIAM (Feigns receiving a lethal injury):

Mercy, I beg you. No more learned thrusts of your rapier-sharp wit.

CHRIS (Steps away from LIAM, speaks under his breath):

Frigging loon. At least I'm not a nut case.

LIAM (Ceases his pantomime, circles around CHRIS):

Loon? Nut case? Did I hear you correctly?

CHRIS (Backs away):

No ... I meant ... No ... I was talking about ... the shoppers ... they're all loons. ...

LIAM (Considers the teen, smiles darkly and pulls a lighter from his pocket. He flicks it off and on while speaking.):

Of course. The shoppers. You wouldn't insult me. You wouldn't make me angry. Not even you would be that stupid. Especially not you. You know me too well.

CHRIS (Nods fervently):

That's right. I would never make fun of you. Not after what you did to that homeless guy ... I mean, not that I saw anything and I wouldn't say anything even if I did ... you know me, Liam ... I'm your friend. ...

LIAM:

Yes, of course. Loyalty among thieves and other miscreants. How could I forget? (Abruptly replaces the lighter in his pocket, assumes a lighter mood.) Enough of your pointless distractions, Cain. I have to remain vigilant today. We wouldn't want peace to catch me unawares.

CHRIS:

No. That would be ... would be ... really awful. ...

LIAM (Ignores the teen, approaches an elderly female shopper):

Excuse me, ma'am, but I'm taking a survey. Are you ready for Y2K?

ELDERLY WOMAN (Unconcerned):

My son says there's nothing to worry about. He says it's just a lot of talk.

LIAM:

Is your son a computer programmer? A crisis worker?

ELDERLY WOMAN:

Well, no. He's a construction worker, but ...

LIAM:

No, ma'am. You mustn't listen to him. I know he means well, but you have to believe me. Tomorrow morning you'll wake up with no power, no water, no computer records ... I was just talking to my own beloved grandmother today about how important it is to be ready. Do you have three months worth of your medicine?

ELDERLY WOMAN (Becoming alarmed):

Medicine? I take pills for my heart. ...

LIAM:

And you haven't gotten an extra prescription? Dear Lord! Don't you realize that the computer that has your doctor's records will be a heap of worthless junk in less than 24 hours? You'll never be able to get your pills. And God forbid you have a heart attack and have to go to the hospital. The ambulances won't work, the emergency room machines will malfunction. ...

ELDERLY WOMAN (Now panicking):

Oh, my. I had no idea. Oh, my husband—he can't live without his medicine! What will I do?

LIAM (Turns the woman around as he speaks):

You still have time! Get your medicine. Don't let anyone get in your way. Your husband could die if you let anyone stop you!

ELDERLY WOMAN (As she hurries off):

Thank you so much! I had no idea. You're a godsend!

LIAM (To himself):

Yes, I am, aren't I?

BUSINESSMAN (Approaches LIAM angrily):

I heard what you said. You scared that poor woman for nothing. Y2K is just a media hoax.

LIAM:

Really? Are you a computer programmer?

BUSINESSMAN:

As a matter of fact, I've spent the last year preparing my multi-national company for the transition to 2000. I can tell you unequivocally that the world will go on tomorrow as usual.

LIAM:

Well, the computers yes, but what about the stock market?

BUSINESSMAN:

Stock market? Nothing's going to happen to the stock market.

LIAM:

Oh, right. They're trying to keep that under wraps. Don't need another crash like in '29. You have to wonder, though, what's going to happen when all that technology stock takes a dive. ...

BUSINESSMAN:

Technology stock? What are you talking about?

LIAM (Shrugs):

Don't know really. My brother-in-law's a stockbroker. Told me to dump my techno stock. Something to do with computer software companies taking a hit when people find out Y2K was all a huge scam to sell fix-it programs. Don't really understand it myself, but everyone I know was selling today so I figured what the heck. ...

BUSINESSMAN:

Selling? Everyone's selling? (Grabs his cell phone from his pocket, hurries off). Bailey? Have you heard about a stock dump? No? I think it might still be hush-hush. We have to move now before it's too late. ...

CHRIS (Grins, shakes his head)

You are the master.

LIAM:

True. It's all a matter of knowing what thread to unravel and when. (Grins) You have no idea how hard, how long I've worked on this, Cain. The intricacy of it all, yet the simplicity. Turning their precious computers into their demons of destruction. Ah. Truly my masterpiece. Ten times better than that Martian panic ... (Laughs.) Though, I have to admit, that Orson was something else again. ...

CHRIS:

Martians? You mean the ones that landed at Roswell?

LIAM (Ignores the teen, gestures the Security Officer onstage):

Officer. Liam Horseman, Daily Oracle. (Flips ID at the officer, too quickly to read) I've just received a confidential tip from an informant at the Apocalyptic Discord headquarters. They're planning to bomb this place to protest U.S. involvement in the global economy.

SECURITY OFFICER:

Apocalypse ... who? The global discord ...

LIAM:

They're a bunch of extremists protesting capitalism, free trade, immigration policies, radioactive redwoods, illegal dolphins ... Listen to me, man—you only have a few minutes to evacuate this whole building. Do you want to have the blood of children on your hands?

SECURITY OFFICER (Grabs his two-way radio):

Jack? We've got us a double red alert ... That's right—a bomb threat. Sounds real too—got it right from a reporter ... Yeah, yeah, make the announcement. For God's sake, get on it, man!

LOUDSPEAKER ANNOUNCEMENT:

Ladies and gentleman, we have been notified of a possible bomb threat within the mall. Please proceed immediately to the nearest exit. I repeat—we have been notified of a possible bomb threat within the mall. Please proceed immediately to the nearest exit.

SHOPPERS run across the stage, panic-stricken. They push people out of their way, grab goods from stores, abandon children and handicapped people. The SECURITY OFFICER alternates between trying to help people and chasing looters. Chaos continues in the background for the rest of the play.

LIAM (Puts his arm around CHRIS):

Feel the energy, Cain. How quickly the good citizens shake off the façade of civilization.

CHRIS:

Yeah. Pretty cool.

LIAM:

Cool? The gospel according to Cain.

CHRIS:

My name's Chris. Or Christian. Not Cain.

LIAM:

One and the same, I assure you. (Steps toward exit) Our work here is done so it's time to fade into the maddened crowd.

CHRIS:

I'd better get home. My dad will pitch a fit if I'm not back soon.

LIAM:

You concern yourself with trifles when I am about to release the dogs of war.

CHRIS:

Huh?

LIAM (Leading CHRIS offstage):

Never mind, my dear Christian, never mind. (Sighs) So much chaos, so little time.

LIAM and CHRIS exit. Shoppers continue chaos a moment longer, then lights dim.

END

Copyright © Ellen McFall 2003