McPhadden the Magnificent

by Walt McKinney

Dirk McPhadden scanned the crowd, searching for an appropriate target. His appearance was innocent enough as he plucked pink and blue patches of cotton candy off a confectionery cloud, wrapped around the cone in his hand. The little carnival presented opportunities galore for Dirk. He was an accomplished magician by trade, but made most of his income through picking unsuspecting pockets.

His magic act took him to small clubs around the country, but this was where the action really took place. He fine-tuned his pocket picking skills at carnivals, fairs, malls, flea markets, and anywhere hordes of people tended to gather.

A long line formed at the Ferris wheel, and Dirk took his place at the end of it, right behind a young man who may as well have had take my wallet, please written across his forehead. The twenty-something carnival attendee wore loose-fitting, baggy trousers with big open pockets in the rear. Gold jewelry dangled from his neck and both wrists. His arm was wrapped around his young love as he nuzzled her neck with his face.

"I love you baby," he whispered into her ear, not realizing that for a fraction of a second, Dirk had been close enough to hear every word. Yes, but will she love you when she realizes you can't afford to take her on the Tilt-A-Whirl! Dirk thought as he stepped away with his ill-gotten gain.

Typically, at an event such as this, Dirk would make three or four 'hits', and then casually walk to his car in order to check his bounty. Having his hand stamped for re-entry, he would go back inside, using a different entrance if possible, so as not to raise any suspicions. Dirk was currently in town performing at a local magic show the next night, and needed some 'traveling money'. McPhadden The Magnificent couldn't walk around cash poor.

With four wallets tucked about his person, five including his own, Dirk broke away from the masses and walked to his vehicle in the parking lot. He emptied his pockets onto the passenger seat and began examining his take. Periodically he looked up, checking the car's periphery for people walking by.

"Let's see...one, two, sixty, seven. Two hundred sixty-seven dollars. Not bad for a couple of hours work." Dirk always grabbed the money and counted it first, and then he would go back and look through the wallets again. Occasionally there were bonus bucks to be found, tucked away under a hidden flap or something.

He pulled out pictures of loved ones, credit cards, social security cards, and handwritten notes and numbers.

One wallet had some sort of ticket poking out the side of a hidden pocket. Dirk yanked on the paper, releasing it from the wallet. He now noticed there were two tickets. He held one in his hand and took a deep breath as he read it out loud.

"A very special engagement; one night only - The Fiesta is proud to present McPhadden The Magnificent!" Dirk felt hollowness within his chest. For the first time in his very lucrative sideline as a pickpocket, he had an overwhelming sense of guilt.

Somebody had spent twenty-four of their hard-earned dollars to see a show that featured him at the top of the bill. Tickets to the show were twelve bucks a pop, and Dirk had just stolen away the chance for two people to see him on the stage, working his magic. He felt sick inside as he sat in the car, contemplating his next move.

He talked to himself as he thought. "I can't get up on that stage knowing there are two empty seats in the club, and it's my own fault that they're empty! Oh, what to do, what to do." Dirk remembered that he had lifted this particular wallet from 'Mr. Goldjangles' at the Ferris wheel. "I know!" he said as a smile creased his face. "I'm talented enough to take the wallet out of the pocket, I'll just go put this one back!" Confident that he could find the young man again, he exited his car and marched back into the carnival.

In all the years he had lifted wallets, he had never put one back, but this seemed like the proper occasion for such a move. He even stuck the money back inside, so as not to raise any suspicions in the young man's mind. Dirk's only concern was if the man had already reached for his cash and discovered it missing. Well...he decided he would just have to make a go of it anyway.

Dirk flashed his stamped hand at the gate attendant and entered the carnival. The crowd was beginning to swell with the evening approaching. He needed to work fast and immediately set out to find his mark.

Keeping his eyes peeled, he checked the lines at the rides and at the food booths. The aroma of hot dogs and popcorn flooded his nostrils as he searched through the festive assemblage. He soon made his way over to the games of chance. People were everywhere. They were popping balloons with darts, shooting water into the mouths of clowns, and tossing small white rings onto bottlenecks that were probably too big to accommodate them.

As Dirk studied the crowd, a glint of gold sparkle caught his eye. Faint rays from a setting sun, touching the edge of a gold bracelet, cast a sparkle into Dirk's field of vision. Turning toward the shimmer of gold, he realized that he had found his intended victim. The man was seemingly unaware that he was missing his wallet. He and his girl were laughing and carrying on, still strolling arm in arm.

Oh good! Dirk thought. There he is. Well, time to go to work.

Suddenly Dirk became aware that the couple was headed directly toward the milk bottle game, two dollars buying three throws at a stacked display of milk bottles. Oh no! I've gotta get to him before he reaches for his wallet!

Dirk burst through the crowd as quickly, but as quietly, as he could. The couple arrived at the booth counter, and the young man cocked his arm back, ready to pluck his wallet from his back pocket. Dirk had no time for a smooth encounter and elected to use the old 'bump and apologize' routine.

As the young man's fingers breached the top of his pants pocket, Dirk ran into the man with more force than was necessary, almost knocking him down. "Hey dude, watch it!" the young man shouted, clearly angered at being run into.

"Oh, jeez...I'm sorry, really...you ok?" Dirk apologized profusely.

"Yeah, it's alright...no harm done." The young man calmed down immediately at Dirk's apology.

"Well," said Dirk. "Have a nice evening. Sorry ma'am," he said, nodding toward the man's lady friend.

Dirk stepped aside but stayed within earshot of the couple. The carny running the game beckoned for a player. "C'mon up man...take your best shot. Win one for your gal!"

"Okay, believe I will," he responded as he reached once again for his wallet. He pulled the wallet out and held it in his hand. Dirk watched as the man opened it up to retrieve the money.

The man stood still, staring at the wallet. "What's wrong baby?" his girl asked. Dirk became nervous.

"This is not my wallet!" Dirk felt sick to his stomach as he overheard the young man. "Look," he said, showing the wallet to his girlfriend. "It's got our tickets to the Fiesta tomorrow night, but this is not my wallet." Dirk had blown it. He apparently put the tickets back into the wrong wallet. He tried to nonchalantly step away from the situation, and then began to run. The young man thought about how the stranger had just bumped into him, and turned toward the crowd, looking for him. "Baby, I gotta go...wait here," he said as he quickly dashed through the masses.

Dirk ran as quickly as he could through the sea of people. He looked back over his shoulder periodically and could see the head of the young man bouncing up and down within the crowd, heading his way. Dirk wished he could pull a McPhadden The Magnificent and disappear altogether at the moment.

He rounded the corner of an old trailer sitting on the carnival property and ran smack into a security guard who was on duty. The two fell to the ground as the young man approached, now out of breath from running.

"Hey," the young man said through huffs and puffs. "That guy stole my wallet!"

"Is this true?" the security officer said as he brushed himself off from hitting the dirty ground.

"Well, ah...yes and no," Dirk said.

"Yes and no? Either you stole it or you didn't," stated the security guard. "Which is it?"

Dirk couldn't lie his way out of this one. "Well...I stole the wallet, but I felt so bad about it, I put it back."

"But it's not my wallet!" shouted the young man. The security guard was completely puzzled at this point.

"I had taken another wallet earlier. Then I lifted yours. I had a change of heart and decided to put your wallet back. I just gave you the wrong one. I'm really sorry."

The young man didn't realize he was face to face with McPhadden The Magnificent. "Can you get me my wallet back?" he asked.

"Sure, it's in my car," said Dirk, seeing no need to be uncooperative at this point.

The security guard piped up. "Yes, let's go have a look at your car." The three headed toward the parking lot together. "Don't you try to run now," said the guard. "You'll be sorry if you do."

"I'm not running, believe me," said Dirk, and he meant it. His stomach was in knots. He was simply not used to getting his hands caught in the cookie jar, and this situation had him feeling nauseous. Never again, he told himself. I will never, ever pickpocket again. He knew there were more wallets tucked under his car seat, and in light of recent events, no excuse would be adequate.

The car was searched, and eight wallets were discovered under the front seat. The security guard shook his head in disgust as Dirk stood silent. "That's mine," said the man with the gold chains. The officer gave him his wallet and sent him on his way. Dirk was taken downtown and arrested for his crimes. The wallets were returned to the rightful owners, but the money they contained was not recovered. The police assumed that Dirk must have ditched his wallet after he was found out.

Dirk sat alone in a cold jail cell. McPhadden The Magnificent would have to miss a few shows. He had learned a lesson the hard way, and would never repeat his crime. He was looking forward to getting back on the road with his magic, hopeful that his reputation would not suffer any long-term effects from his stint in the pokey.

Back at the carnival, the young man with the gold chains found his girlfriend and the two resumed their evening together. He explained it all to her and they soon found themselves back at the milk bottle game.

"Hey baby, I never got a chance to win that big stuffed tiger for you. Shall we make a go of it now?" He reached for his wallet and pulled out a huge spread of cash. His girl's eyes widened.

"Baby, where'd you get all that cash?"

"Oh, now don't you worry your pretty little head about it sugar," he answered as he slapped a bill on the booth counter. "Let's just enjoy the carnival!"

Unbeknownst to Dirk McPhadden, his wallet had been lifted by Mr. Baggy pants while the security guard searched Dirk's car. This wallet was packed with the fruits of Dirk's labor. McPhadden The Magnificent sat in jail, wondering what had happened to it. He assumed that he had dropped it somewhere in all the commotion.

Meanwhile, back at the carnival, the young man with the gold jewelry, and his lady friend, had a most delightful evening.

Copyright © Walt McKinney 2003