You Are ... Goatee!

by Tony DeCarvalho

It's 9:30 a.m. You walk into the weekly meeting with the Partners. You are part of the Unholy Triad. You see the Loyalist and Overmind seated across from you. You pay them no mind. You assess the situation in the room.

CEO is sitting at the head of the table. Around you are Arse and Character Assassin. At the other end is Captain Fascist. You can see that this is no accident. A two-headed dragon is destined to fall, you think to yourself.

Finally, Reich Admiral Qa walks into the room. You hear what you perceive to be a groan coming from the Loyalist and Character Assassin. You personally dislike Qa and the game he is playing.

The meeting begins, and you listen to CEO speak. "Okay. Today we're going to have Captain Fascist here in charge of moving the meeting along, so we're not stuck here for an hour-and-a-half, like we were last week! Alright, guys? Heh-heh. Okay. Take it away, Captain."

"Thanks, CEO.  Here," you see Captain Fascist passing down sheets of paper, "is the order in which everyone will speak this week. You will have 3 minutes. I will be timing you. When I ask you to move along or finish up, please do so. Okay, let's begin. Reich Admiral Qa?"

I'm going to get this fool today, you think to yourself as you listen to Reich Admiral Qa. " ... So, as you can see, the errors in the packaging department are extremely high, especially on second shift."

You hear CEO groan. You decide now is the time to speak up. Attack me and my shift without warning, eh? We'll see. You say, in a calm and even voice, "Uh, yes, Reich Admiral. I have a question for you. You bring these numbers here, saying that we are making all these mistakes. Are you including the mistakes we catch ourselves, or are you just counting the mistakes your Qa crew catches?" You look at Qa and tilt your head slightly. You can feel the tension in the room. You know the Loyalist is sweating, but you refuse to look at him. His fear will make me weak, you think to yourself.

"Well, uh, I included all the mistakes of course! A mistake is a mistake, is it not? And mistakes cost us money!" responds Reich Admiral Qa.

You listen to CEO say, "Yeah, but we're expecting you to count the mistakes your Qa crew catches, not all the mistakes. A mistake is a mistake, yes, but if we catch the mistake, then it shouldn't count against production."

You raise your eyebrows as you suppress a laugh. You look at the Loyalist and Overmind. The Loyalist is grinning and chuckling (what a fool! you think), and Overmind winks at you. I win. God has prevailed.

Copyright © Tony DeCarvalho 2003

Were You On the News Today?

by Tony DeCarvalho

Mark woke up at 5:30 a.m., just as predicted. Mark turned on the radio and walked into the bathroom.

" ... And there's an accident about to happen on the BQE. Please avoid this road at all costs."

Good thing I take the train, Mark thought to himself as he brushed his teeth.

The E train was not crowded, but it would be. Mark lived near one of the early stops, so he was able to grab a seat and read his morning paper in relative comfort.

Mark turned immediately to the back page sports headline. Mark was shocked by what he read.

"Collins To Get Hurt Tonight, QB Okay With Fate," Mark whispered to himself.

Mark was so accustomed, as were we all, to the society he lived in. Today, however, Mark questioned the wisdom of following your routine, even if you knew something terrible would happen to you.

The general public believed in accepting your fate. We were taught to follow our routine until the bitter end. The prevailing wisdom was to confront, instead of prevent, tragedy.

Mark wondered now if this was wrong, just as predicted. How could we simply allow death and mayhem to occur, without lifting a finger to stop it? Was the future our god, and if so, why did we worship so blindly?

Mark thought these thoughts as he climbed the stairs onto 42nd street and Times Square. A news blurb from the wire services caught his eye: "148 people will die in a tragic plane crash, later this afternoon."

How can those people board that plane, Mark thought to himself, and how could the airline allow them to take off?

The real kicker to all this was that the majority of people could not see into the future. The general public did not have the third eye.

Those who did were recruited by the media and military. Prospective children as young as six years old were taken from their parents and trained in the art of future prognosticating.

Future Thought, as it was known, was big business. Advertisers used Future Thought to predict the success of ad campaigns. Human Resource officers were now required to display at least a level three awareness of Future Thought, so that potentially homicidal workers could be weeded out.

Elections were won and lost before people voted. Wars were won and lost before a gun was fired. The public was now accustomed to this foreknowledge, and treated the future like the past or present. The public saw the future as inevitable, and unchangeable.

Gamblers still gambled, even if they knew the outcome was against their bets. Their bets were usually on minor details: whether a base hit happened in the 5th or 6th inning of a ballgame, or whether someone rolled a 3 and 1 at the craps table, and not deuces. Although the predicted outcome was the same, sometimes the way the outcome happened was a little different, and this made for some interesting bets.

Mark, having grown up in a world where Future Thought teachers knew you would give the wrong answer before the question was asked in class, was struggling with what was happening. Mark did not know what to do, just as predicted.

As Mark entered the elevator that would take him to his job on the 34th floor, he began to think there was nothing he could do. Were he to prevent an incident, he would probably be fulfilling Future Thought.

But that's insane! How can a man think or act if he knows his fate is sealed, Mark thought angrily. He slammed his fist against the side of the elevator, and accidentally, but predictably, dropped his newspaper.

As he bent down to pick up the scattered pages, Mark's eyes ran across a headline on page three. So, Mark thought to himself, my fate is sealed.

"Man Who Questions Reality Dies On Elevator," read Mark out loud.

Mark Wallace looked at the ceiling panels.

"Mark Wallace, a 24-year-old investment banker with Metrogroup, dies this morning at 8:43 a.m. while riding an elevator to his office."

Mark refused to accept his fate. There has to be a way out! he thought.

"Ironically, Mark will begin to question Future Thought, the process by which news is acquired, just minutes before the accident."

Mark climbed to the top of the elevator car. Okay, Mark thought, I just have to wait for the car to drop, and then I'll grab onto something, and be okay.

"Unfortunately, Mark does not bother to read the article before escaping to the top of the elevator. If he did read this, he would know that the elevator does not plummet to the ground, as he assumes it will."

Mark looked up. The top of the elevator shaft was getting closer and closer.

"If Mark would simply read this article, he would prevent his death. Unfortunately, because Mark will not trust the media, he will pay the ultimate price with his life. Future Thought would save Mark's life, if he would follow his predetermined path."

Mark had forgotten that the 34th floor was where this elevator shaft ended. With growing horror, Mark realized the article was merely predicting his panicky actions. Future Thought had predicted that Mark would kill himself. If you attempt to save your life, you lose it. Isn't that what Jesus said?

"Those will be his final thoughts before he dies."

Copyright © Tony DeCarvalho 2003