Me and Maxie Bank Robbers? Na.

by G.W. "Bill" Snell

I always wanted to have one of everything before I died, I haven't got it all yet, but then hell, I ain't dead yet either. I may still get it all together, but Maxie says I ain't got any place to put it if I had it. She's probably right, usually is, huh!

I kinda wanted to try everything too, might not get it all done in time, but a few things have a high priority. I guess robbin' a bank would be at the top of the list for me. Wow, what an exciting project that'd be!

I'd like for me and Maxie (my wife of fifty-eight years) to rob one before we check it in. This would be a strictly-for-fun project, not profit.

The only thing that worries me about it, I know we could do it, but Maxie is so honest, she might turn us in. Not because she'd want to, but she couldn't help herself. That's my little ole Maxie, always do the right thing, even if they hang us!

I wouldn't want to keep the money, we don't need money, just some excitement. I'd just like to see if we could do it, sort of a joint venture, you know. We've always done things together. We could have a little fun, then tell 'em later, "Just kiddin' " and give it back.

We talked it over, she wasn't for it at all at first. She said she thought I'd lost my mind. (It's the first time she ever acknowledged I had one.) But after she thought it over she said. "It might be fun. If you're dumb enough to try it, all right. It'll be something different anyway, life has been a little bland the last few years."

It'd be different all right, but that's the whole point. We've been strict law abidin' folks all our lives, heck she hasn't even had a traffic ticket. I got one once for parkin' too long at the library. Kinda felt good breakin' the law, but nothin' to get your blood to really pumpin'.

Well, me and Maxie (mostly me), wasn't really gettin' excited about it yet. So I guess it was just me that started makin' plans for the big heist. (I learned that term on the TV.)

We had several banks to choose from, but the most likely one was where we banked, they're nice folks in there. We picked it.

They don't know me as well as Maxie, she's in there several times a month. They know that little five-foot-two, mild mannered Mrs. Shell, but they wouldn't know her this time!

I thought I'd get her a Dolly Parton wig and dark-colored glasses, some red high heel shoes, (my favorite) and a tight red, above-the-knee skirt, just to throw 'em off.

I'd get me a black toupée, then put a bald wig over that, with some of the black wig sticking out on purpose, so they'd think I had a lot of hair. Clever huh? It'll take some plannin' to pull this off, no problem! By the way, I ain't got any hair, slicker'n a billiard ball.

I figured to write "Just Married" all over the old station wagon, and hang some toilet paper streamin' out the back window to cover the license plate. That'd be a good cheap camouflage, don't ya think?

When we get through in the bank we'll just run the old wagon through the nearby carwash and go home! Of course we'd take the wigs off in the carwash and look like our usual handsome selves when we drive out.

I fixed me and Maxie each a piece of quarter-inch pipe, about six inches long, painted black to look like guns stickin' out through the bottom of paper sacks.

I thought about masks for a while, they's some good ones left over from Halloween at the dime store, of Bill C. and Monkey L. I gave up on that though, it'd start that mess up all over again. Mr. Starr'd want'a question us, and I ain't tellin' him a dang thing. Maxie might though, better forget that idea.

I thought once we would use pantyhose. I've seen that trick on TV. You dont have to cut holes for your eyes, and maybe wrap the legs around our heads like Arafat does his tablecloths. I don't know, I'll have to give that a little more thought. Maxie might have trouble pickin' out the right shade to match Dolly Parton's blond wig.

We'd just need one glove apiece, the fingerprint thing you know. The other hand would be in the sack with the make believe gun stickin' out the bottom.

I think I'll limp and have Maxie put a piece of aluminum foil over one front tooth, and smile a lot. That'll throw 'em off when they look at them surveillance camera pictures, they never are reconizable anyhow though.

We'll use fictitious names if we have to talk, I'll call her Zipper, and she'll call me, no wait, that'd make her tell on us for sure. "Maxie,—Maxie how about you bein', what's the matter Maxie, say somethin'—oh I get it, you'll be a mute and sign me, that's good Maxie! Real good!!!

"I'll call you Bonnie, do you remember Bonnie and Clem? What? Oh Clyde, yea you're right again kiddo. I've been thinking about Wal-Mart sacks for the money, what'cha think Maxie? Mmm, I guess you're right again sweetie, trash bags would be better, then if somethin' went wrong we could punch a hole to see, pull 'em over our heads and run like hell. Good thinkin' Maxie."

I believe the old gal's getting' into the spirit of the thing now. I decided to give up on the pantyhose idea. Maxi don't wear 'em and I'd hate to have her buy new ones and then not use 'em later, especially since we ain't gonna keep the money anyway.

Not only that but they'd be hard to get 'em on over our wigs, we'll just scratch the pantyhose. I wouldn't be able to keep my mind on the job anyway.

We was all ready to pull this big job off, we'd picked a time, just as the bank opened we decided would be good.

The big day would be today, we couldn't wait much longer or one of us might wind up in the Obit column. We put our bank robbin' clothes on and dang near didn't get out of the house when Maxi put hers on, WOW but we went on anyway, she said she was too nervous to fool around.

I was driven' slow and careful, keeping' my mind on where to turn. Maxi usually tells me where to turn, sometimes I take shortcuts, that's what I tell her when I don't turn where I'm supposed to, but don't you tell her that, she'd skin me alive.

Anyway, when we got within about half a block of the bank we could see a big commotion goin' on down there. Red lights was a-flashin and folks runnin' every direction. Looked like the Fourth of July. They had them yellow ribbons hangin' all over to rope off around the bank.

SOMEBODY BEAT US TO IT!!!

Oh well, I always knew life wasn't fair, we just drove on by, slow so folks could see that we was just married. It gave 'em a chance to see Maxie all dolled up. A lot of the folks clapped and cheered, I thought that was nice of 'em.

We talked it over, and decided since we was all set, we'd just go ahead and take a little honeymoon trip. We never took one in fifty-eight years, now was a good time--YA HOO.

I'll leave my black wig on, and Maxie her Dolly Parton wig, red dress and high heels. WOW!

This'll be more fun than robbin' some dang bank anyway.

BYE NOW, WE'RE GONE! See ya when we get back if we're able.

Copyright © G.W. Snell 2003