6

July 24, 2001—I call Gary B-, a fellow Barnes and Noble bookseller, "Chico." This is because he resembles the Marx Brothers Italian immigrant character. And very often he is Chico. He says to me ("Harpo"), "Hey, what'sa matta you, eh?" In character, I don't reply. Or I do reply, either with a horn or a harp.

Sometimes, I play the role of Groucho. There really are no "Groucho's" at the store, I'm the closest. I fulfill this all with a funny walk and flirtatious banter with all the "goils." Did someone call me schnorrer?

"Zeppo," the most handsome, least cartoon-like brother, is Chris S-. Just as Zeppo was, Chris is a very talented musician and a wonderful straight man.

That covers The Four Marx Brothers. There was a fifth, Gummo, who never appeared in any of the films. "Gummo" is any bookseller not working during a given day.

Hello, I must be going.

7

July 25, 2001—"What is Economics?" asks Professor John Maher in his book of that name (featured quite nicely in this magazine). Well, Professor Maher, I don't know exactly what economics is, but I do know what price is. Working in a bookstore has led me to that.

I was trying to locate a book of dogs that a woman was looking for. I told her that we may have the title in two formats, that is, either in paperback or hardcover. I could only locate the hardcover edition of her dog book. This woman said she would prefer the paperback. I understood and offered to order the book in that format. Instead she asked me if she could obtain the hardcover edition for the paperback price. This gave me a headache, for sure. It would give any other economist a headache.

Then I offered to order her book in the paperback format from barnesandnoble.com. This way she could purchase her book at an even lower price. The dot-com lowers the book price but makes up for it with the cost of shipping-and-handling. But when our store places an order from the dot-com, the shipping-and-handling is waived. There couldn't be a cheaper way for her to buy the book.

I clearly explained all this, but in the end my efforts went unrealized. She told me that she would speak to a manager about purchasing the book at the paperback price. (Good luck.) Then, she thanked me for all my help. I can't help her if she can't help herself, I thought.

8

Aug. 11, 2001—In this, my latest column, I answer your mail.

Dear Arny Heywood,
Are you really a bookstore clerk? That must suck.
B.

Dear B.,
Yes, I am a bookstore clerk. I like the discount. Besides, I'm only there once a week, and you insult those who are employed at bookstores on a full-time scale. Shame on you.

Mr. Heywood,
Your stock picks in your last column cost me $8,000. What do you have to say for yourself?
W.

Dear W.,
While I sympathize, I can assure you my stock picks have been right on the money. But you are wrong in thinking that I have at all shared my selections on the web.

Arny,
What are some of your favorite books?
J.M.

Dear J.M.,
I like any Kafka. I like Sophocles, too ... And there's a great book on Groucho Marx I just completed reading.

Well, the mailbag is empty. Bye for now.

9

Sept. 15, 2001— I, like every American, am profoundly hurt by the attack on our nation. I have never seen anything like this. Even those who have, our veterans—did they ever believe they would see such tumult on our land?

However, as quickly as an evil foreign enemy bruised us, our foreign friends gathered and boosted us.

The British reaction was the most touching. Shortly after the brutality, the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace was accompanied by the playing of The Star Spangled Banner, our national anthem, at the order of the Royal Family, an unprecedented public display of support.

To many Americans, The Star Spangled Banner is a less than spellbinding anthem. Music-wise, it is very difficult to sing properly. We mostly hear the anthem preceding the World Series performed by pop groups. And the anthem isn't at all about America, really. It's about the War of 1812, in which the British unsuccessfully tried to re-overthrow the United States. Ironic that the British would salute us with that gesture. Many have long believed our anthem should be America the Beautiful.

America is indeed beautiful. Yet everything about the "star spangled banner"—our flag, flying high during the battle—is what we're all about. It's how we became a nation. It's how we preserved our nation. And it's how we'll defend it, under our flag, never dying.

10

Sept. 23, 2001—Anyone in the room have kids—? Let's see a show of hands. Not that I can see your hands. Anyway, I was in the bookstore, and of course a lot of our Sunday patrons are parents and their kids, with which I have no problem.

Kids, though, as you may know (because you have them, right?) are rambunctious. I know I was. Kids play and play and play. I never thought how anyone could be offended by playtime, until I encountered an old lady who openly complained to me about children. Why do you allow parents with children in this store? It's so offensive. That's O.K., ma'am. After all, kids aren't miniature adults and we can't expect them to be so. Let them play. (Then, a pause from the old lady.)

Well, philosopher! (Philosopher?) I have six kids and six grandkids, and they all behave in bookstores.

Glad to know. You should tell people how to raise their kids. I'm sure everyone would love it if you made a career out of others' business, Miss Manners.

(This actually happened. I didn't like for it to happen, certainly. I hope my future children don't encounter her, for that matter.)

Conclusion—»