Ms. Abby, I called her that for short, she seemed to get a kick out of it, was becoming more friendly all the time. We would visit when we'd meet in the hall and she would invite me to tea or coffee at her place now and again. I had her over one time when I'd bought some fresh cake doughnuts. I made tea and we sat and talked for a while.

I faked getting sleepy, yawning and stretching, until she said she'd better get on home. "I know it's your nap time Floyd." She was calling me Floyd now and I was calling her Ms. Abby, never did know her first name.

The rain forecast for Friday was a bust, it was cloudy all day but no rain. I worked that night and Saturday night, and got up Sunday to a downpour. What luck! Rain and no business's open to contribute!

Monday night at work I heard thunder and lightening and it started raining in earnest. It was still drizzling next day so I decided to get on with the plan. I had decided on the little jewelry store called "SPROOLS JEWELS". If they didn't have enough cash to donate I could maybe talk 'em out of a few trinkets I could turn into cash.

About ten o'clock I overheard Ms. Abby telling Mrs. Miller, a widow lady that lived on our floor, that she was expecting a special delivery package, but couldn't be here to receive it. Would Mrs. Miller mind telling the delivery person to leave it with her.

Mrs. Miller said she would be glad to do it for her, and to enjoy her shopping trip.

And so, I had to postpone my retirement venture once again. Oh well it would give me more time to hone some of the finer points of my plan. I hadn't worked on my disguises enough anyway.

I had taken a correspondence course in the lockup called GREAT DISGUISES. Their ad read, "How not to be yourself" I thought that was good huh?

They sent me a disguise kit in a plain brown package labeled, Books To Help The Reformed Criminal. They didn't even look inside the box in the mail room, everyone knew I was trustworthy. I was a trustee, and everyone trusted old Floyd. I had been extra good outwardly. I'm glad they couldn't read my mind, I never would've got out of that place. I couldn't very well practice disguises in my cell, but I read and reread every word in the instruction manual that came with the kit . It was neat, false whiskers, mustaches, a couple of wigs and eyebrows.

There was also some makeup paint, if you wanted to make a scar or black eye, and even a fake bullet hole with imitation blood seeping out. I practiced a little every day, waiting for another rain forecast.

Finally it came, it was supposed to rain the following Thursday. Now if Ms. Abby will just stay home, I'll get on with my retirement.

It did rain Thursday, it was raining a nice easy patter against my window when I got out of bed. I went over to Ms. Abbys to see about borrowing a tea bag. Actually it was to find out if she was going to be home today.

I told her I went right by the all night Quickie Mart on my way home from work and forgot to stop and buy tea bags. I lied.

She got three from her kitchen and we talked a bit about the weather. She said she was staying in today, she said the damp weather played heck with her hair, she'd just done it up last night and didn't want to ruin it.

I commented on how nice it looked and agreed I'd stay in too if I was her. I mentioned I was going to rest all day, I'd had a hard night at work. The manager had me pulled off stocking shelves to help unload two trucks filled with canned goods, one of the regular men that unloaded the trucks didn't show up for work.

I told Ms. Abby that I wasn't going to answer the door or phone all day so I could rest and be ready to go to work tonight. I went to my place and set the timer and recorder with all the sounds on it. I would be at home all right, but gone for awhile. Smart huh?

I slipped out the window and down the street, no one seemed to be out and about but me, good! Sprools Jewels was as quiet as a grave when I went in. I was disguised to look like a bearded well groomed man of means.

When the man came from the back to wait on me I explained that I was looking for donations to a worthy cause. He asked what cause was that? I told him my "FOUR O ONE WITH A GUN FUND."

He obliged when I pulled out my friendly persuader, making quite a nice donation. I thanked him kindly and told him he looked like a smart man, and a smart man wouldn't move an inch for twenty minutes. I doubt if he waited that long, but I didn't hang around to check.

I slipped back in through the window as quiet as a mouse. The recorder was still snoring away. I counted my blessings and the cash while I was at it. A tidy sum it was, I must thank the donor again sometime. Perhaps a nice card would be appropriate, not signed.

My system was working well, my retirement was growing regularly, everything was copesetic!

I don't know why he suspected me, but my parole officer, that I introduced to Ms. Abby as my guardian angel, came one day inquiring about my leisure time. I thought at first he was concerned about my well being, but no, he just wondered if I knew anything about the rash of robberies that had plagued the area lately.

Knowing I was a reformed petty thief he thought I might have slipped back into my old ways, said he just came by to check. He added that the man reported in the robberies was about my height and weight, that was the only reason he came by, just to keep me on the straight and narrow he assured me.

Next day Ms. Abby asked about my guardian angel, and what was I doing with one. I explained he just volunteered for the job. She smiled and with a strange look said, "Oh I see." Ms. Abby's something else, she certainly is!

The incident made me a little bit nervous, I laid off asking for donations for a while. I practiced on my makeup artistry. It didn't take long for me to get my confidence back, and I was in business again.

I got a little braver as time went on and got tired of waiting on the weather to cooperate. I started slipping out on nice days also, which was the beginning of the end, my demise. I got careless. I was getting too cocky for my own good.

The day I got in trouble I got in a hurry and forgot to put on a wig, a dumb mistake! I don't have any hair of my own, and noticed a guy I work with at the store nights, looking me over carefully as I left the check cashing place. I had on some disguise, a beard, eyebrows etc. but he looked like he was seeing someone he knew.

The clincher was when he looked down at my shoes. I forgot to change them and they were the ones I work in. They had red paint on them. I'd been stocking spray paint one night and one of the cans fell off the shelf.

You know how shelf stockers do, they cram all they can on a shelf , right out to the edge and beyond. Well when it fell off the lid came off and it sprayed red paint on the toe of my shoe.

The fellow was standing outside the CHECKS CASHED FOR A WEE FEE store when I visited them for a donation. I saw a look of disbelief on his face when he looked at my bald head and then down at my shoes.

I knew I was in trouble, unless Ms. Abby could convince the police that I was home all day. And that should be a cinch, with the recording playing, I was home!

I didn't go to work that night. I thought if I would lay out a night or two the guy would forget the incident. He didn't.

Wouldn't you know it! He went into the check place after he saw me, to cash his check! The proprietor told him he'd just been robbed and couldn't cash his check. That's when the guy told him he thought he knew who did it. The rat!

When the knock came on the door, I was expecting it. The police asked for identification, and my whereabouts at the time in question.

I told them I was at home, I hadn't left the place all day and I could prove it. Just ask Ms. Abernathy I told them, she'll tell you I was in all day that day.

They left and came back in a bit and said the lady said she didn't get her special delivery with her new battery in it the other day, and couldn't hear diddly without her hearing aid, "Sorry officers" she said.

HEARING AID!!! Good grief! I didn't know she wore a hearing aid. That's the trouble with these tiny hearing aids these days, you can't see them! All that planning, all that work, and foiled by a tiny thing like a hearing aid! If I ever get out again I'll plan a little better. I'll look in peoples ears next time I get a good idea that requires hearing.

Oh well, I'm retired now, although not like I had planned. I don't have a thing to worry about. I get free meals, doctoring, entertainment. Hell I had a good thing all along and didn't realize it!

I'll just enjoy all you taxpayers benefits and relax. You know you really shouldn't make it so good in here, but I'm glad you do. And don't forget, take your hearing aid out once in awhile and help a thief retire. Have a nice day, I will if you will.

Bye for now,

Floyd

PS: If you should see Ms. Abby, say hi for me, if she's got her hearing aid in, and her battery's charged.

Copyright © G.W. Snell 2003