Insurance Parody

by Lisa Whalen

Denycov, Inc. Headquarters
P.O. Box 90210
Scamacada, Mexico

Denycov, Inc. - Providing quality auto and medical insurance paperwork since 2004.*

 Subscriber Name: Lisa M. Whalen
 Patient ID: ******50795056406510981C56409654065796516065480
 Patient Name: Lisa M. Whalen
 Vehicle VIN: 51091091 1999 Isuzu Amigo
 Provider Name: Lupient Dealership Repairs and Regions Hospital
 Parent Code: 6514065105780498406168406120698406210894106540948914P
 Group Number: 5105340354160578164065406512DMIJDI35106510210-L
 Claim#: X43920034URSCREWED937SUCKER093380934893HAHA0349N3940D8
 Claim Date: June 13, 2003

Explanation of Benefits - This is NOT a bill (yet)

Note: 1-800-TRY-URLUC customer service number. Keep this statement for tax purposes (although we wouldn't recommend submitting it to the IRS, as you might end up in a secret French prison for seven years). You have the right to appeal this claim. You may send your appeal to the address shown at the top of this document. (Note: Sending an appeal does not in any way guarantee a response). Appeals will not be considered unless all necessary information is provided: this includes your name, patient ID, social security number, date of birth, height, mother's maiden name, third grade teacher's middle name, Lou Dobb's autograph, and the date of your last day on earth. Denycov, Inc. must receive your appeal within 60 seconds of the date on this notice. Appeal decisions are made within five years of appeal. Your rights may be different if covered by Medicaid, Medicare, Denycov, Inc. or any companies with an "e" in their name. For more information, please contact our Customer Service Department at the number above. (Note: Calling the number listed above does not guarantee you will speak with a human being, nor does it guarantee a response to any messages you may leave.)

*The shamrock logo is a registered trademark of Denycov, Inc., representative of the mythical luck o' the Irish our customers need to get legitimate coverage from us. This trademark may not be duplicated without the express written consent of Denycov, Inc. Denycov, Inc. claims only to provide insurance paperwork in the form of written denials of claims and is not responsible for any actual payment of auto or medical expenses.

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May 15, 2004

Denycov, Inc. Headquarters
P.O. Box 90210
Scamacada, Mexico

Dear Denycov Claims Appeal Representative,

I am writing to appeal the denial of claim #X43920034URSCREWED937SUCKER093380934893HAHA0349N3940D8 of June 13, 2003, which I received May 10, 2004. Though I have, as per instructed, used my touchtone phone to indicate to your automated system that I believe my claims are valid and should be covered, I have yet to receive a response to any of the 57 messages I have left over the course of the past year. So that I may make my case, allow me to recount the nature of my injuries and the circumstances under which they were sustained.

While driving to a routine doctor appointment on the afternoon of June 13, 2003, I was rear-ended by a Denycov, Inc. auto insurance representative who was on his way to the Ramsey County courthouse to appear before the judge on fraud charges. Though I was completely stopped at a red light at the time, and the Denycov, Inc. representative hit me going 73 mph while talking on his cell phone and reaching for the bottle of vodka between his legs, the representative admitted no wrong-doing and immediately called for another Denycov, Inc. agent to come to the scene and write up a report. This agent, however, did not see the ambulance coming from the opposing direction, and swerved into its path, causing the ambulance to strike me down in the street. I sustained a serious head wound from the impact of the ambulance, and one of the EMTs was also injured. The Denycov, Inc. representatives did not sustain any injuries. Since the ambulance was on scene, its driver was able to transport me immediately to the ER at Regions Hospital, where I received excellent care and was soon on my way to full recovery.

I must say that I resent the implication that I am somehow at fault for the EMT's injuries, since, as you put it, "her noggin got in the way of the 'buleance's wheels." As part of my appeal, I contend that I should not be responsible for the EMT's subsequent hospital stay, physical therapy, or loss of wages. I also refuse to pay for your representative's court and lawyers' fees, in-patient detox, Republican National Convention dues, or campaign funding reform violations, as I do not believe your implication that "the rear bumper of my car prevented him [your representative] from making it to court on time, denying him the opportunity to realize the error of his ways, clean up his act (somewhat) and go on to become President of the United States" is at all valid. This contention, is, in fact, utterly ridiculous, and I have half a mind to report you to the insurance commissioner.

I also contend that I should not have to pay for the charges incurred during my subsequent return to the ER two days after my accident due to hives, since the hives were caused by the still-in-the-experimental-phases generic medications Denycov, Inc. insisted Regions' physicians administer instead of prescribing brand-name drugs. I strongly object to your refusal to pay what you deem the "exorbitant and unnecessary" fees resulting from the treatment of my hives, as the only such medication appearing on your company's formulary had to be flown in hourly from Antigua on a Medivac helicopter and administered intravenously through 24-karat gold needles (because of its atomically unstable nature) so that it does not spontaneously combust and destroy a two-mile wide strip of east St. Paul, Minnesota.

Based on the reasons described above, I respectfully request that Denycov, Inc. cover the full cost (less co-pays of course) of the auto repair, emergency medical, and prescription charges I incurred June 13, 2003.

Sincerely,

Ms. Lisa M. Whalen
Patient ID: ******50795056406510981C56409654065796516065480

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Denycov, Inc. Headquarters
P.O. Box 90210
Scamacada, Mexico

Denycov, Inc. - Providing quality auto and medical insurance paperwork since 2004.*

Dear Mr. Wehlan,

I am writing in response to your appeal to claim #X43920034URSCREWED937SUCKER093380934893HAHA0349N3940D8 of June 13, 2003. We are unable to cover the majority of this claim for the following reasons:

1. As you are probably aware, Minnesota maintains a no-fault policy for auto accidents, which means that no matter what the circumstances of the accident, each party (or his or her insurance company) is responsible for its party's incurred costs. Since we are the insurance company for both parties in this case, if we were to cover your costs, we would end up covering both parties' claims, which might infer that we were somehow "at fault" in the accident and therefore possibly violate Minnesota's no-fault clause. Since we at Denycov, Inc.™ are not in the habit of breaking state laws, we are unable to pay any of your auto claims.

2. Your trip to the ER was not pre-authorized, and Regions Hospital is not an in-network provider of healthcare for the policy provided by your employer. Since you did not seek pre-approval and opted to go willy-nilly to the nearest ER instead of heading to Wisconsin to find the nearest in-network healthcare provider, we are unable, pursuant to policy #DUM-E on page 4,672 of our policy manual, to cover any of the ER costs you incurred. As for your rather sarcastic voicemail message that seeking pre-approval is difficult when lying in the middle of the street and bleeding profusely from the head, I can only reply that policies are policies, and there is no need for you to become hostile with our automated recording.

3. I am sorry to hear of your difficulties concerning our prescription formulary, and I am happy to inform you that we will, in fact, cover 8.7% of those costs pursuant to policy #SCK-R on page 3,210 of our policy manual. Unfortunately, however, we cannot provide you with brand name medication, as that violates our bottom line, so we will provide you with the generic equivalent of an anti-hive medication to take care of the hives caused by the generic cerebral anti-inflammatory medication, a generic anti-migraine medication to combat the side effects of the generic anti-hive medication, a generic anti-convulsing medication to diminish the Parkinson-like side effects of the generic anti-migraine medication, and a generic anti-diuretic medication to combat the side effects of the anti-convulsing medication.

4. Please also keep in mind that should you, God forbid, succumb to death as a result of any of these circumstances, Denycov, Inc.™is not a life insurance company, and is therefore not liable for covering any claims related to life-saving measures, cremation, funeral arrangements, survivors' benefits, or other death-related costs. We will, however, continue to automatically deduct your monthly premium from your estate until Judgment Day pursuant to clause #666 on page 1,875 of our policy manual.

Thank you for your continued business. We look forward to providing you with quality healthcare coverage for years to come.

Sincerely,

Denycov, Inc.™

P.S. I've noticed from your voicemail messages and the snotty tone of your letter that you seem to have anger issues for which you should seek professional help. Please keep in mind, however, that such appointments would be mental health claims, and that pursuant to policy #FCK-U on page 62-R of our policy manual, would not be covered expenses.

Copyright © Lisa Whalen 2004