Bio-phobia or The Truth Will Set You Free

by Beth Lane

I have never minded having people read my writing but nothing intimidates me more than that little blurb at the bottom of the submission guidelines page, "Please include a short Bio at the end of your article."

Many of the Bio's I have read (present company excluded), were—

1) Terribly pompous sounding
2) Frustratingly mysterious
3) Mind-numbingly boring

I came to the conclusion that in order to really connect with my reader and get them to remember my work, a little intimate and personal information about my life was necessary. What kind and how much is up to the individual writer as long as it's REALLY personal. I guarantee if you follow my example, people will never forget your writing or (yawn), dismiss you as dull.

So, with your kind support, I would like to finally conquer my fear of "Bio's" and present to you here:

The Bio of Beth Lane

Ms. Lane resides in Hilton, New York. She is 35 years old, married and the mother of three boys. Her husband, aside from being an extremely handsome, wonderful, caring man, also suffers from OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). Because he suffers from the "paranoid obsessive checker" kind as opposed to the "germ fearing hand washing" kind, he can usually be found (at 3 a.m.) in the basement with a stick and a flashlight trying to catch the rabid squirrel he is convinced lives in the ceiling.

Ms. Lane's oldest son is 15 and attending his first year of high school. He is tall, brilliant and handsome. Unfortunately he has, of late, turned into basically a sullen, smart-mouth, 5'10", 135-lb hormone, coated in a thin layer of grease. 'Nuff said.

Ms. Lane's middle son is 12 and the most angelic looking, blond-haired, blue-eyed , apple pie-freckle-faced child you will ever see. He was also born ADHD (as were BOTH his parents—the kid never had a chance). Because of the insecurity and low self-esteem of this condition, he quickly developed what is known as Oppositional Defiance Disorder. This is a very polite psycho-babble term for a kid who would rather DIE than do anything someone told him to do.

The baby of the family is now 7 years old. A sweet and very spiritual child who has developed an INTENSE interest in germs and how to get rid of them—OCD is hereditary.

Ms. Lane also shares her home with a dog named Caleb and four kittens that were abandoned under her bedroom window this summer. Over the years, it has also been home to numerous fish, lizards and frogs, one VERY large turtle, and a chicken who refused to keep her end of the bargain by laying eggs in exchange for the corn and water she was fed. The aforementioned chicken was evicted and now resides at Lolly-Pop Farm despite Ms. Lane's repeated attempts at mediation.

When not writing, Ms. Lane understandably tries to "get away from it all".  Last spring, she spent a week at St. Mary's hospital in the psych ward—heavily medicated. Although she does not remember much of her stay there, Ms. Lane highly recommends it to anyone seeking serenity as it is much more cost effective than, say, a week in the Dominican Republic and you don't need to waste money on new beach wear.

The squirrel is still at large.

Copyright © Beth Lane 2003